{"id":30732,"date":"2019-02-12T00:00:58","date_gmt":"2019-02-12T00:00:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flashpacknew.wpengine.com\/?p=30732"},"modified":"2023-04-19T10:16:10","modified_gmt":"2023-04-19T09:16:10","slug":"norway-dating-culture","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sandbox.flashpack.com\/us\/solo\/relationships\/norway-dating-culture\/","title":{"rendered":"A little less conversation: inside Norway’s casual dating culture"},"content":{"rendered":"

Casual dating is on the rise around the world, but in Norway it\u2019s long been a fixture. <\/span>This is a country where the normal \u201crules\u201d of dating are reversed: sex typically comes first and emotional intimacy follows more slowly <\/span>\u2013<\/span> if and when the vibe is right.\u00a0<\/span>Could this counter-trend be a model for happier, more honest relationships? <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Sex before dinner and a movie<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

For as long as dating culture has existed, there\u2019s been an expectation to \u201cwine and dine\u201d your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not in Norway, though. Here, you\u2019ll most likely meet in a bar or via Tinder and then move quickly to the sex part. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you wake up the next morning and the person is still next to you, you invite her for a date,\u201d quips Julien S. Bourrelle, author of <\/span>The Social Guidebook to Norway<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOnly then can you say \u2018hej!\u2019 if you meet in the hallway. Then you invite for a second date and then for dinner. Because dinners in Norway are not a way of getting to know people. They are the result of an established relationship.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more: Tired of Tinder? Stop dating and just connect with people<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

While there\u2019s an element of caricature to this description, Robin Westberg, a trainee nurse from Oslo, says that it\u2019s \u201crare\u201d for a couple in Norway to wait longer than a few casual dates to have sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFrom my own experience I meet most guys on apps, and on seldom occasions, I meet them at a party or at a bar,\u201d he says. \u201cThe rules are grab a drink on the first date, very low key.\u00a0<\/span>It is quite normal to sleep together on the second or\u00a0third\u00a0date. Then\u00a0you could go and have dinner. Or have an activity to do together, like a bike ride, hike, swim or something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

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Higher executive officer Linn Kristin Sande recognises this experience. For her and her friends, a typical series of dates will begin with beers and sex, before graduating to the more serious business of seeing a movie together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt’s often someone asking you out for a beer (on Tinder, in a bar, at a party) and then you hang out for a bit to see if this is worth going for,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if it is, you go for more beers, and you might sleep together in this period of just testing it out. And then you eventually start doing more \u2018serious\u2019 things like watching a movie at your place.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It would be considered \u201ca bit much\u201d to ask someone for dinner on the first date, she adds.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think most young people in Norway would prefer to be asked for a drink (or a coffee) so that you have an easy out if the date isn’t going that well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This is partly down to Norway\u2019s lack of eating out culture, too, meaning going to a restaurant together \u201cbecome really formal really fast\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sex isn\u2019t a big deal \u2013 but intimacy is<\/strong><\/p>\n

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At first glance, it may seem like Norway dating culture fast-forwards the traditional approach to relationships because, as Linn says, \u201cthe dating starts out as sleeping together, or because you decide to sleep together after just a couple of casual dates\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

But when it comes to actually forming a relationship, the time frame becomes more leisurely. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNorwegians often date for a long while, keeping it casual (but often exclusive),\u201d says Linn. \u201cYou spend a long time testing it out or \u2018hanging out\u2019. I have known people who hang out for months and months before they call it a relationship.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

For us, commitment-shy equals flaky in relationships (think \u201ccommitment phobe\u201d Hugh Grant<\/span> in Bridget Jones<\/span><\/i>), but in Norway the concept seems to carries more integrity.<\/span><\/p>\n

Norwegians are famously reserved, and so emotional intimacy may come with a higher premium here; proper commitment takes time. This doesn\u2019t mean being evasive, though; in fact, directness and honesty are valued.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI found Norwegians to be very friendly but reserved, so it was difficult to establish a connection,\u201d says Michael Laird, a London-based project and ops assistant who studied in Norway for six months. \u201cIn order to make the first move, you would have to do the opposite of playing it cool \u2013 actually go out of your way, as it wouldn\u2019t necessarily have occurred naturally.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Getting sex out of the way early plays into this honesty. And rather than being meaningless, it may even create room for greater emotional resonance. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPeople don’t build sex up to be this big, magical thing over the course of several dates, something which I think put a lot of pressure on that moment,\u201d says Linn. \u201cBy having sex quite early in the dating period, it is rather seen as an additional way to get to know the person, and something that evolves and improves as we get to know each other.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Michael agrees. \u201cJust wanting sex can sometimes be viewed negatively in other countries but I fully support the idea that it should not even be given a second thought as I\u2019ve found to be the opinion in Norway,\u201d\u00a0he says. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was good, he says, not to have sex \u201changing over us\u201d as he connected with people on a more social and emotional level: \u201cIf the relationship develops it\u2019s due to a mutual connection, not just someone playing the long game [for sex].\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Casual dating = the path to equality?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Even today, our conversations around sex are so coated in cultural expectations it can be hard to grasp that, a.) sleeping with someone isn’t the be-all when it comes to intimacy, and b.) taking time to commit in a relationship is a good thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Norwegian approach to dating shows both these statements to be true. When you remove sex as the endgame of a new relationship, you create a more honest and equal playing field.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is particularly true for women, who historically have been given a passive role in the dating process. We\u2019re way out of the Victorian era now, and yet sex is still often portrayed as a bartering tool in heterosexual dating; something that\u2019s driven by the desire of the man.<\/span><\/p>\n

In Norway, there’s no big effort to woe women on a first date, says Julien<\/a>, precisely because: \u201cshe should not feel trapped, she should not feel like she owes you anything. She should feel equal to you\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

By removing any stigma to having sex straight away, women are \u201cfree to decide their own sexuality and sexual needs\u201d, he says. Instead of feeling like a pawn, they get to assert their own sexual agency.<\/span><\/p>\n

This emphasis on equality extends to all relationships in Norway. So much so, that Michael was actually taught about casual dating as a concept in one of his first seminars, in a lecture for the university\u2019s entire international intake led by Bourrelle himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought that in itself was interesting; that the university considered this an important lesson to learn, to help us integrate,\u201d he says. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think Norway’s casual dating culture is down to being sensible and progressive. It allows people generally to feel less pressure and be more open-minded when it comes to relationships. It’s s<\/span>omething many other countries could benefit from.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Finding what works for you<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Like anything involving dating, it’s not all roses, though. Just like many other places, Norway is struggling with a sense of displacement felt by a surge in dating apps.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think we are in a negative circle when it comes to dating, and I can speak on behalf of many of my friends\u00a0\u2013 both girls and boys,\u201d says Robin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems like most people, when using the dating apps, go on dates after dates… Many of these people say that they are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend, but they aren\u2019t. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey are really just playing the field, not respecting people looking for something more that just a one night stand. And I think the apps are a big part of this new dating scene.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more: No dating, no drama – just single people travelling together<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

The ambiguity of Norway’s dating culture can also be problematic.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt also allows for mixed signals, confusion and hurt feelings, and it can be difficult to understand whether someone sees you as friends with benefits or a future girlfriend\/boyfriend,\u201d says Linn. <\/span><\/p>\n

And the flip side of sex not being such a big deal is that people may feel \u201can unspoken expectation of sex that they are not ready to fulfill\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"being<\/p>\n

Michael agrees that Norway’s dating scene comes with the same issues as anywhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve heard plenty of stories about one night stands that have gone no further despite the efforts of one party,\u201d he says. \u201cI\u2019ve also heard stories of people going on a few dates, having sex and then being ghosted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut the Norwegian way is better in my opinion. If you have formed that emotional connection and then it [ghosting] happens I would think it\u2019s worse than if you’d just had sex.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In the end, it may come down to how you handle it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think the Norwegian approach can lead to freedom on the dating scene, if you are self-assured enough to go into it with a clear perception of what you want, what you want from the other person, and communicate this clearly,\u201d says Linn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe fact that dating is such a casual thing allows you to test out relationships and find out what works for you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Images: Shutterstock, Moviestillsdb<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

Tap your true love travel with these three great escapes<\/h3>\n

Head off-piste in beautiful Norway<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Norway<\/p>\n

Ice-hike your way across mainland Europe’s largest glacier, sea-kayak in spectacular fjords and experience the very best of homegrown Norwegian hospitality on this action-packed break.<\/p>\n

Take me there<\/a><\/p>\n

Toast a new dawn in colourful Colombia<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Salsa\"<\/p>\n

Learn to salsa dance over rum tasting in the gorgeous port city of Cartagena, jet between the Rosario Islands by private boat and hike your way between the beaches and mangroves of Tayrona National Park.<\/p>\n

Oh-so tempting<\/a><\/p>\n

Unwind and unplug in lovely Laos<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Boating<\/p>\n

Dial down to the gentle pace of river life with a two-day slow boat trip down the Mekong in Laos. Plus, wild swimming in emerald waterfalls, magical night markets and sizzling street barbecues \u2013 the Lao way.<\/p>\n

Happy days<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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